hati aku macam tu

sekali lagi

Aku mesti kuat.

Tak kalah

tak jatuh tersungkur kali ni.

Let me play the game.

Tapi aku tak kuat

kerana hati ingin dia

tak boleh. Aku dah tak boleh nangis. Air mata aku keluar setitik dua je. Tapi hati aku rasa sedih. Banyak. Pedih. Kosong. Tak tenang. Tak cukup. Tak boleh.

Aku rasa tak tenteram, aku rasa x tenang. Hati aku. Rasa tak cukup, rasa buat apa pun tak betul. Rasa  yang sama macam kisah yang dulu. astagfirullahalaziimm, sekali lagi ke. Kenapa susah betul benda ni untuk aku, apa salah aku.

Kenapa aku rasa macam ni. Kenapa dia buat aku macam ni. Aku sentiasa ada untuk dia, always there. Tapi dia datang dan pergi. I am nothing. Kalau nak, can come and get me. Kalau tak nak, just disappear. Aku tak tahan. Aku tak tahu nak bagi tau sapa.

Kenapa buat aku macam ni….. dan kenapa harus jadi macam ni kat aku, Ya Allah tolong aku lupakan dia. Berikan aku kekuatan..

currently watching the world that they live in. It brings back sad memories T_T. ngade!
Ive not met many people in my life, but those very few people that ive met, most of them are different with me. I dont put myself up. I blame myself when things happened…………….. I would avoid bragging about how good i was or am. Some people are just ……. i dont know how to describe it. they put themselves high up, think they are the best and deserve the best. They make mistakes, but hyperbole others’ so that theirs’ unnoticed. How could some people be so self centred, so high of themselves.

How could someone do that easily when i struggle to have some self esteem……………….

hohoho. tadi ade plumber datang betulkan paip. ofkoslah to fix the tap, takkan lah nak fix aku lak….leh kerana aku tdo kol 6 kot malam td, so by the time he arrived, aku masih lenaaa di atas katil.
bila dengar orang ketuk-ketuk pintu, aku cpt2 pki tudung pastu bukak pintu. Aku bukak pintu je, terus tutup balik………… gilos. Bukan plumber tu yang gilo. Aku yang gilo. Hensemnye plumber ni. Ahahaha. Ni lah masalah kat aussie ni, plumber, tukang angkat kotak, mereka yang buat jalan pun kacak-kacak.. ahahaha.
Back to the story, aku pon makanlah clorets sbb x smpt nak gosok gigi lagi dan membasuh-basuh muka supaya lebih ceria. Ahaha..gilo-gilo.

my patience has limit.
I cannot be friends with anyone who talks bad about their friends especially if the friends are also mine. I don’t wanna hear it, cos i know i wont agree with you when you rant about anything, and you going to be mad at me
So selfish.I shed few drops cuba menahan sabar tadi. Terlepas lah jugak satu dua perkataan, but i tried very very hard utk control my feeling. Why? Why are there people like this. Obsessed dengan diri sendiri. I hate to say this. But its killing me to keep all of this by myself. I just can’t accept the attitude.

I know perfectly how you won’t understand things, unless you yourself experience it. That’s what i tell myself so that i can ignore those who can be a bit insensitive about certain issues.

Haha. I cried. Again? It has been long since i last dropped a tear. Living a fake life? Nahh, don’t think so. I just force myself into doing something so that i wont have time to remember any of that painful memories. I know i have been saying this over and over  again. but, its not easy you know.

Indecisive, that’s what i am. Egoistic, reserved, quiet that’s another way of describing me. I can’t or don’t and will usually try my best not to show my feelings to others. Is that good or bad?

He’s married. There’s no way that i can find the answer that i have been wondering all this while. Why wouldn’t he wait? Was that 2 months that long? did he ever like me? even a bit? why? Why didn’t he like me? Why did he choose her instead of me? These questions kept lingering on my mind. The whole time, i thought i wasn’t going to survive without him. Thats what happen when stupidity conquers your rational mind. I liked him very much, i really did. Tapi, aku je ke yang suke kat die? How can i be so stupid to ever like someone so much. I saw it in his eyes when i got back here after that summer break. It was different. No more sparkles.

My heart said that he knew that i liked him or at least there was something going on between us. Why wont he ask me to make sure, to settle everything. How could he ignore me just like that. I dont know if i still like him, but everytime we crossed path, everytime i caught a glimpse of him, my heart would beat hard. The only thing i know is, i want to how he used to feel. What exactly he felt 2 years ago. Whatever it was,  i can accept it . Unfold the truth, so i can be released from this uneasy feeling.

You know what i did last winter? I got married. He said that in a plain tone to my friend last year. Itu yang kawan aku cite la, bukan aku karang-karang ye. my craziness has limit. Well, my friend told me that, i had these mixed feelings. Didn’t that suggest that I should move on and let go? but again, how come he didn’t show more enthusiasm when talking about his marriage. Thats how stupid I can be. What was I thinking? Of course he was, I mean IS happy, or else he wouldn’t have gotten married.

When am I going to get over this? What if i found that he used to like me, and still do. STUZY. Stupid and crazy me. =(

Apa mahumu…
kau membuatku jadi tak menentu

Apakah salahku
hingga kamu hancurkan hatikuuu

tadi aku rasa nak updet sangat. Skang ni blank, tak ingat apa nak tulis dah.

A question to myself, am I happy? don’t know for sure, but better than it used to be (in the past two years).

I just had a peek at my fren’s fotopage. When i looked at her pic, oh my god. It felt so weird. Seeing her at another place. We have known each other for nearly 6 years. And since then, we have lived in the same place, studied the same thing.
Rasa lain macam gile tengok dia dan aku di dunia yang berbeza sekarang. Dan juga di tempat yang lain setelah kitorang menghabiskan masa hampir 6 tahun bersama. Im not used to this feeling. I think i miss my fwen eventhough ive been denying it.

I probably need to be sent to anger management class. Gila dah aku ni agaknya. I can’t control my feelings. I should probably be crying after being scolded, but i didn’t, i felt angry. Selagi aku tak tumbuk preceptor aku, aku rasa tak puas hatiiiiiiiiii…Gile3x..

You have to think. Think. think. . think. thiink. think. think. think. think. think. think. think. think. think. think, before you do something, thats good thinking, think, thong, theng.. think think think think think think think think  think think think think think think. Bape kali mau cakap think? Aku sampai sakit jiwa dengar perkataan tu and i felt really intimidated, he made me feel as if don’t use my brain at all

If you are thinking too much, you might forget to be rational….Thinking is fine, but  remember, God also gives you the ability to feel.

People sees me as someone with zero problems. Am i that good actress?

Act strong, keep going.
dulu masa aku muda-muda, aku selalu rasa yang aku tak ada apa-apa kebolehan. Sebab aku terpengaruh dengan cerita-cerita kat tivi, aku rasa aku kurang kemahiran. Aku tak tahu menjahit, aku tak tahu berniaga di pasar malam, tak pernah juga berjual di gerai malam-malam, tak berkeboleh bermain apa jua alat muzik, memasak tak reti, bersosial lingkup. Kadang-kadang aku envy orang yang hidup susah, yes, i did cos they learn so much, they know how this world works, how wheel spins. I’m just about to experience that and i can’t stop whining. Ya Allah, forgive me. Gimme strength so that i can face this and learn from it. Hidup tak seindah mimpi. Itu pun kalau bermimpi indah, kalau mimpi yang indah, apakan lagi hidup ini. I will try to be strong.