I know perfectly how you won’t understand things, unless you yourself experience it. That’s what i tell myself so that i can ignore those who can be a bit insensitive about certain issues.
Haha. I cried. Again? It has been long since i last dropped a tear. Living a fake life? Nahh, don’t think so. I just force myself into doing something so that i wont have time to remember any of that painful memories. I know i have been saying this over and over again. but, its not easy you know.
Indecisive, that’s what i am. Egoistic, reserved, quiet that’s another way of describing me. I can’t or don’t and will usually try my best not to show my feelings to others. Is that good or bad?
He’s married. There’s no way that i can find the answer that i have been wondering all this while. Why wouldn’t he wait? Was that 2 months that long? did he ever like me? even a bit? why? Why didn’t he like me? Why did he choose her instead of me? These questions kept lingering on my mind. The whole time, i thought i wasn’t going to survive without him. Thats what happen when stupidity conquers your rational mind. I liked him very much, i really did. Tapi, aku je ke yang suke kat die? How can i be so stupid to ever like someone so much. I saw it in his eyes when i got back here after that summer break. It was different. No more sparkles.
My heart said that he knew that i liked him or at least there was something going on between us. Why wont he ask me to make sure, to settle everything. How could he ignore me just like that. I dont know if i still like him, but everytime we crossed path, everytime i caught a glimpse of him, my heart would beat hard. The only thing i know is, i want to how he used to feel. What exactly he felt 2 years ago. Whatever it was, i can accept it . Unfold the truth, so i can be released from this uneasy feeling.
You know what i did last winter? I got married. He said that in a plain tone to my friend last year. Itu yang kawan aku cite la, bukan aku karang-karang ye. my craziness has limit. Well, my friend told me that, i had these mixed feelings. Didn’t that suggest that I should move on and let go? but again, how come he didn’t show more enthusiasm when talking about his marriage. Thats how stupid I can be. What was I thinking? Of course he was, I mean IS happy, or else he wouldn’t have gotten married.
When am I going to get over this? What if i found that he used to like me, and still do. STUZY. Stupid and crazy me. =(
