Crazy me

I know perfectly how you won’t understand things, unless you yourself experience it. That’s what i tell myself so that i can ignore those who can be a bit insensitive about certain issues.

Haha. I cried. Again? It has been long since i last dropped a tear. Living a fake life? Nahh, don’t think so. I just force myself into doing something so that i wont have time to remember any of that painful memories. I know i have been saying this over and over  again. but, its not easy you know.

Indecisive, that’s what i am. Egoistic, reserved, quiet that’s another way of describing me. I can’t or don’t and will usually try my best not to show my feelings to others. Is that good or bad?

He’s married. There’s no way that i can find the answer that i have been wondering all this while. Why wouldn’t he wait? Was that 2 months that long? did he ever like me? even a bit? why? Why didn’t he like me? Why did he choose her instead of me? These questions kept lingering on my mind. The whole time, i thought i wasn’t going to survive without him. Thats what happen when stupidity conquers your rational mind. I liked him very much, i really did. Tapi, aku je ke yang suke kat die? How can i be so stupid to ever like someone so much. I saw it in his eyes when i got back here after that summer break. It was different. No more sparkles.

My heart said that he knew that i liked him or at least there was something going on between us. Why wont he ask me to make sure, to settle everything. How could he ignore me just like that. I dont know if i still like him, but everytime we crossed path, everytime i caught a glimpse of him, my heart would beat hard. The only thing i know is, i want to how he used to feel. What exactly he felt 2 years ago. Whatever it was,  i can accept it . Unfold the truth, so i can be released from this uneasy feeling.

You know what i did last winter? I got married. He said that in a plain tone to my friend last year. Itu yang kawan aku cite la, bukan aku karang-karang ye. my craziness has limit. Well, my friend told me that, i had these mixed feelings. Didn’t that suggest that I should move on and let go? but again, how come he didn’t show more enthusiasm when talking about his marriage. Thats how stupid I can be. What was I thinking? Of course he was, I mean IS happy, or else he wouldn’t have gotten married.

When am I going to get over this? What if i found that he used to like me, and still do. STUZY. Stupid and crazy me. =(

lalala

Apa mahumu…
kau membuatku jadi tak menentu

Apakah salahku
hingga kamu hancurkan hatikuuu

weird feelings

tadi aku rasa nak updet sangat. Skang ni blank, tak ingat apa nak tulis dah.

A question to myself, am I happy? don’t know for sure, but better than it used to be (in the past two years).

I just had a peek at my fren’s fotopage. When i looked at her pic, oh my god. It felt so weird. Seeing her at another place. We have known each other for nearly 6 years. And since then, we have lived in the same place, studied the same thing.
Rasa lain macam gile tengok dia dan aku di dunia yang berbeza sekarang. Dan juga di tempat yang lain setelah kitorang menghabiskan masa hampir 6 tahun bersama. Im not used to this feeling. I think i miss my fwen eventhough ive been denying it.

Think? think again

I probably need to be sent to anger management class. Gila dah aku ni agaknya. I can’t control my feelings. I should probably be crying after being scolded, but i didn’t, i felt angry. Selagi aku tak tumbuk preceptor aku, aku rasa tak puas hatiiiiiiiiii…Gile3x..

You have to think. Think. think. . think. thiink. think. think. think. think. think. think. think. think. think. think, before you do something, thats good thinking, think, thong, theng.. think think think think think think think think  think think think think think think. Bape kali mau cakap think? Aku sampai sakit jiwa dengar perkataan tu and i felt really intimidated, he made me feel as if don’t use my brain at all

If you are thinking too much, you might forget to be rational….Thinking is fine, but  remember, God also gives you the ability to feel.

Spinning wheel

People sees me as someone with zero problems. Am i that good actress?

Act strong, keep going.
dulu masa aku muda-muda, aku selalu rasa yang aku tak ada apa-apa kebolehan. Sebab aku terpengaruh dengan cerita-cerita kat tivi, aku rasa aku kurang kemahiran. Aku tak tahu menjahit, aku tak tahu berniaga di pasar malam, tak pernah juga berjual di gerai malam-malam, tak berkeboleh bermain apa jua alat muzik, memasak tak reti, bersosial lingkup. Kadang-kadang aku envy orang yang hidup susah, yes, i did cos they learn so much, they know how this world works, how wheel spins. I’m just about to experience that and i can’t stop whining. Ya Allah, forgive me. Gimme strength so that i can face this and learn from it. Hidup tak seindah mimpi. Itu pun kalau bermimpi indah, kalau mimpi yang indah, apakan lagi hidup ini. I will try to be strong.

ranting

What an empty life. But thats ok, its going to be over soon.
Aku selalu tertanya-tanya, aku ke yang tak cuba, aku ke yang berkira or they are just too much. Aku pon tak tau, tapi aku rasa aku tak macam tu. Kalau berkawan, you have to give and take. Thats the basic principle. Bende ni applies to nearly everything. So, untuk give and take aku rase kene ade common sense. Sometimes, i think i’m being used. Aku berkira sangat ke? Buat je la, tolong je la orang. Takyah nak kesah sangat. Tapi, aku rase kalau aku keep tolong orang, aku setelkan semua bende, aku ni, aku tu. I have had enough. Aku rasa tak adil. I don’t wanna feel this way, aku nak tolong or buat something dengan rasa ikhlas cos that how i was. Tapi, bila aku je kene buat/ setelkan semua bende, i can’t help but feel annoyed. Cos I’m a human

ok i feel bad writing this.

Thank You Allah

i am so happy. So happy. So happy. I passed my exam. So happy that my heart can’t stop smiling.
Thought i should share it to the world by writing it here, cos there is no one around that i can talk to

Alhamdulillah.

Ramblings

Ape kena dengan aku. I don’t know if i am still in denial. Am I one of those depressed people. I object

Last week, my preceptor told me that i have be careful when choosing the words for depressed patients. Don’t be so thorough, don’t say too much, but BE VERY CAREFUL when I want to say anything.

Aku jadi tak keruan tiap-tiap kali ada orang sentuh pasal topik  ni. Sampai bila nak jadi macam ni???? Aku tak main-main. Aku tak tahu macam mana nak deskribe perasaan ni. Bila aku rasa macam ni, aku buat apa aku suka tanpa kisahkan akibatnya. Akibatnya hari ni, aku tak pegi ppraktikel, aku tipu aku kata aku sakit. Aku tidur satu hari (Tidur- you can read my previous post what i say abut tidur). Sedang aku berehat-rehat, ada orang lagi sebut topik tu. Aku rasa jantung aku berdengup tak sekata. Aku rasa worthless, aku rasa macam aku pernah rasa dulu, aku rasa aku bangang, aku rasa sedih, aku rasa nak nangis sehari suntuk, aku rasa aku tak deserve gembira, aku rasa benci, aku rasa dengki dengan apa yang orang lain ada, aku tak mahu dengar kisah kebahagian atau gembira rang lain. Aku benci bila aku jadi macam ni. I lost control of my own feelings.

Aku tak macam ni dulu. Dulu aku tak de nak marah orang. I keep things to myself, aku sabar sampai makan diri. Sekarang ni, apa tak puas hati mula-mula aku simpan, lepas tu aku lepas, i talk straight to the face. Tak kisah la aku betul ke salah, aku buat suka hati aku. Kadang-kadang benda ni jeopardize my relationships with people. But, DO I CARE when i am in this state…..???? Kenapa ni perlu jadi kat aku. I’ve tried to overcome this, i just couldn’t cos there is always this feeling that people look down on me. I HATE THIS FEELING. People might say they don’t, I DON’T BUT IT.

I need a friend, not a housemate. Air mata, please stop dripping, aku malas nak pergi minum air, i don’t want to die of dehydration.

Tertekan

Jangan tanya aku kenapa, sebab aku tak tahu.

We had phone conversation before it was suddenly disconnected because her phone was running out of battery. An hour later, she texted me,  saying she is in  hospital. I can feel a drop of pressure in my heart. Kenapa sampai macam ni.

Aku rasa kawan aku tu strong. Cuma dia takleh nak kontrol apa yang dia rasa. Benda-bende kecik yang selalu kita ambil tak kisah boleh buat dia tertekan. For the first time dia nangis masa dia cakap dengan aku. Aku tak pernah tengok air mata dia. Aku hilang kata-kata. Pertama kali dia cerita pasal apa yang berlaku. Suara dia, buat aku sedih. Tapi, aku tak boleh tolong dia. Aku tak boleh buat apa-apa pun untuk dia.  Aku cuma dapat rasa sakitnya.

Aku rasa aku patut  bersyukur sebab aku ada keluarga yang bahagia. Penceraian menyusahkan anak-anak. Kawin lebih dari satu?? Laki mampu ke nak adil?  Perempuan mampu ke nak adil? Tak nak mintak lebih, tak nak harap lebih dari suami? Siapa suka kalau tengok mak bapak dia gaduh. Sapa yang lagi terseksa? Isteri atau anak-anak yang tengok parents bertengkar. Aku pon tak tahu, sebab aku tak pernah alami. Tapi siapa kau nak mengukur kau punya masalah lagi besar daripada orang lain.

dream

it wasn’t a dream

If it was all a dream, it wouldn’t be so hard.